This is a post I have tried to write when I was on my own with the kids. I had reached such a level of exhaustion that threading words together wasn't as easy. It was a challenge to make time for myself. It still is. But how I miss it. I miss this world made of words sent out to the unknown. 
Resilience. When I looked up this somewhat unfamiliar word it said : the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. An ability to adjust easily to misfortune or change. Toughness. 
I've often heard people talk about children being resilient. From my personal childhood experiences, this seems very true to me. Children seem to hold an incredible capacity to adapt situations. The opposite would be hard to handle since as kids, we ar not often given choices. Whether our family moves to a new city and we have to follow and learn to make new friends, whether our parents get divorced and we have to accept the new dynamic it involves, whether we lose a parent or a sibling at a young age and we have to carry on through life, children often have the capacity to move on. It doesn't mean wounds are healed and no trauma will challenge them later in life but in the moment, they have the capacity to keep going. 
I never really thought about it but twenty years into my mother's death and I can get the feel of how resilient I was as a young teenager. Surrendering myself to life and its teachings. Covering my skin and heart with a coat of toughness so I could laugh again.

I don't know if I was born to be tough because I had chosen a path this life that would bring challenges. I don't know if I became tough. I even didn't really know myself that I was being tough. But life keeps on teaching great lessons and when I think about it, I realize that all Women hold an amazing amount of resilience within themselves. I am so deeply humbled by women's strength despite the obsolete ideas our society sometimes try to instill. How resilient is a Woman who gave birth to her child. How resilient is a Woman who smiles and cries as she holds her baby and forget in the instant all about the hours of painful laboring and pushing. How resilient is a Woman who had to have her belly open in order to let her baby into this life and yet cries tears of pure joy as she hold this precious life she's created. How resilient is a woman facing miscarriages, trying again. How tough are we.  

When I waved my man good-bye last fall at the airport, holding our boy in tears while his baby sister was napping in the stroller not knowing her papa was leaving for at least four month, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. I wasn't sure I would have the strength it required to care for our babies on my own. I realized I had told him that I would survive but all in a sudden I was doubting myself. Our families live on the other side of the planet. I really was on my own. When he went through the gate and we had to stop waving at him, it was dark outside. I had to get ourselves into the car and drive away holding my own tears back. I wasn't aware of what would happen then. Resilience. It kicked right in. Like a best friend knocking on the door, unexpected. We had made a conscious choice. Life had given us an opportunity to grow and move forward. Everything felt right. We were where we were supposed to be and life had already taught me that through the biggest challenges, we could grow tremendously. From this day on, I did not think about how long it was going to be, such thoughts would have been the doorway to being miserable for months. I lived one day at a time, one week at a time. It was hard. Exhaustion truly was a bitch that took me down a few times, wondering how I would make it through the day. Resilience had my back. I shed tears more than once. I tried to reach out to friends which was something new for me but I realized that people had no idea what I was going through. We all get busy. This itself was a great life lesson. I had no other choice than being tough. With everyday that went by I felt more empowered than the day before. I allowed myself to feel proud. I allowed myself to stand up for me and my kids. I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to embrace my imperfections. I allowed myself to be unapologetic for being who I am because I knew I was where I was supposed to be, being a Mother and being the best I could be at it. Being spontaneously so resilient helped me navigate one of the loneliest time in my life. The Holiday season wasn't easy to navigate on my own. Waking up on Christmas day was tough. But again, day after day I was able to see the beauty in all of it. Day after day my faith kept growing. And while some may hear this as some kind of hippie-woo-hoo talk, our angels have given me the extra strength I needed, every time I needed it. 
It was a profound experience. One I was meant to live to realize how strong of a woman I am. We make choices in our life everyday. We have the power to shape our reality through our decisions and through our thoughts. Cultivate negativity and you will have to carry heavy weights on your shoulders on top of everything else. Cultivate positive energies and life will keep on amazing you everyday. I allow myself to feel weak some days. I allow myself to be withdrawn from social circles sometimes so I can funnel my energy where I need it most. I allow myself to have one on one time with my own thoughts to  keep track of what's happening up there. I have learnt to acknowledge resilience as a friend so I can make space for it in my life when I need it. 

Our man is home as I am writing. I am slowly gaining some weight again. I get to take shower for more than 2 minutes at a time. I get to sit and eat diner. I even got to go windsurfing on my own yesterday. I have learnt to be grateful everyday for the littlest details that make life so yummy. 
He will go away again, sooner than I'd like but this is our reality right now. The one we chose. I am a Mother. He is a hard working Father. We are going to laugh and cry and laugh and cry. But every time our children burst into laughter, I know we must be doing some things right. 
​

I am breathing again, slowly realizing that I am not on my own anymore. Not that I stopped breathing, ever. But it does feel like when Gurvan left, back in October, I took a deep deep breath and immersed myself in my solo-mama role. So much that all my energy merged towards my babies needs and well-being. While I managed to post photos here and there on Instagram, I failed at keeping up with this little blog of mine. I tried. I sat down a few times when both sweethearts were sleeping, I wrote a few posts, sharing about my emotions but nothing sounded good enough to me. I was so deeply exhausted that my brain couldn't word my feelings properly. I feel guilty for not fighting enough. Though I am emerging from a long fight against the deepest exhaustion of all. The internet is a tricky world, one that may empower us, one that may reveal our weaknesses. This corner I created is important to me. My Ego truly doesn't care who will read this but my Soul needs to do her talking through writing. It is who I am. I have dearly missed threading words together. I did a lot of talking with myself, by myself, all those long long days when I didn't get to talk to an adult for longer than I ever thought would be possible. 
So while I did share photos on my Instagram account (and that's really all the online socializing I have done), I haven't made time to post the last few photos of my 52 project in 2016 here. It is so easy to let weeks after weeks go by. It was the purpose of the project when I started it two years ago : a creative  d i s c i p l i n e. I have come to realize that I need this discipline, it has helped tremendously with my non-practical-self. I didn't know I needed that discipline so badly until I let go of it a few month ago. Things happen in life, we can't control it all and sometimes we just have to go with the flow and sleep when we need to but the best part about life is that it is all up to us to get back on track. 
So here are a few of the portraits taken in late 2016. 
I can not wait to sit here again and share all that I have been meaning to share. Feelings mostly. Life lessons. Photography. I can't tell you to tune in every Monday morning (or Friday night for that matter) for a blog update but I can tell you that I am not letting go of this space. 

I dreaded Christmas as much I as anticipated it for it was a milestone getting us closer to being a family of four again. Fourteen weeks total without seeing our main man since the beginning of September. Fourteen weeks. Doesn't sound all that much when I write it down. What am I complaining about. Am I complaining? In fact I am not. We are where we are supposed to be, in this moment of our lives merged together.

With the end of the year comes time for a little reflection. With this reflection comes gratitude pouring out of my heart. Amazement too. Strangely fear is not in the picture. So not in the picture. 

2016 will be the year Marlowe came into our lives. Marlowe, my Spiritual child. My girl who came to me before I even knew I could be pregnant. My baby who opened my eyes and my life to a whole new concept of Spirituality. My girl sleeping against my breast and loudly breathing through her nose as her mouth is busy sucking up milk in her sleep as I am writing. 

2016 is the year Gurvan manifested his desire to get back on a boat to make sure regrets wouldn't come knocking on our door in a few years from now. 
It's the year we both openly started talking about our angels and the energies out there, the ones listening to our hearts, our thoughts and our burning desires. 

2016 is the year we bought our very first piece of beautiful land when we least expected it. My intuition had me make this crazy move when he was away. I thought for a second that I had gone mad when really I was just listening to the whisper of the Universe handing this treasure to us. 

2016 is the year Manech became a loving and caring big brother. Also the year he found freedom on his big boy pedal bike (hey that's a milestone for a little boy!).

2016 is the year Gurvan took off on a plane without us for the very firt time. My heart aches. Manech's heart aches. I know our girl is missing her papa deep down in her heart as well. But we both know it is all meant to be. It is so hard but it feels right. We know now that things, anything, whatever we put our thoughts into can happen in what feels like a wink. Days, months, sometimes minutes...we try our best to embrace what is being sent our way. Distance is hard. Our strength is being challenged every day. For him being away from his babies for so long is the hardest thing he's probably ever done. For me having to face every single day on my own. No family around to take over for an hour or cook diner for the night. I didn't know all the strength it would take, and all the strength I actually had.

2016 has seen terrible things happen in the world. More wars. More sadness. More chaos. Lots of great Artists, Musicians took off. We have all cried, we have all been terrified, we have all felt terribly helpless. 
But as I am writing this I can't help but feel thankful for the life we are living. I believe prayers can be answered. I believe zillions of beautiful souls inhabit this beautiful planet. I believe Love is the answer to fears. I look back and love is what I want to remember. I look forward and love is what I see. In all its shapes.  

Happy 2017 you all. 

-love-

Some places hold all the mystical magic.
Some places have the power to make the idea of a camping trip with a toddler and a baby in tow while hubby-less, appealing. 
I first stepped onto this magical land about fifteen years ago. While a lot of things have changed on the island since then, this place seems to be sitting still, holding on to its wild beauty, welcoming friends and family with the same warmth as it did fifteen years ago, distilling poesy into our lives.
Being thankful for a Man's vision is an understatement. 

And just like that, I walked into their home a little over a week later to find a family of three, peacefully settling in their [oh so] well deserved and anticipated baby moon. 
The baby aura was strong, glowing and radiating with love, joy and excitement to finally meet one another. 
Charlene kindly offered for me to hold her baby but I declined the invitation for I believe a newborn belongs into his mama and papa's arms.
How I loved being able to capture these three together. I couldn't get enough of Noah's sweet perfect little everything...their arms, their hands, touching, caressing, caring...
There is so much to be grateful for.  
​
Charlene, Gunther and Noah : Thank You. 

Being invited to document such a special time [that is the end of a pregnancy, welcoming of a baby, creation of a family] through photography is very humbling. I am overly grateful for the trust Charlene has granted me to capture memories of one of the most empowering moment in a woman's life. 
Earlier this month Charlene and Gunther were expecting their first baby which always gives me goose bumps, knowing the amount of unconditional love they were about to experience.
The atmosphere was so gracefully peaceful, you could tell a perfect tiny human being was about to come into their life. 

I had 2 month old and nursing MissMarlowe with me that day and wasn't sure how shooting with a baby in tow would work. She amazed me, slept most of the time and came with me in her baby carrier for the outside shots. I found that having my baby all against me while taking some photos seemed slightly challenging at first but turned out to be very empowering. 

Thankful for life and all of its beauty.

Truth about Hawaii : We do get rained out. Sometimes weeks at a time. Heavy tropical rain. 
While tourists may be disappointed, and I won't blame them, I tend to love this weather. 
Makes me want to stay cosy at home, bake chocolate cakes and play board games. I only wish we had a fire place. 
A fire place in Hawaii. I am not kidding you. 
I also love to wander outside and watch the nature become more alive than ever. 
The other day I was looking through out the window, it was pouring, yet I noticed all the shades of greens. It was late afternoon, the sky was grey, cloudy, foggy even and darkening fast but their was something about the light...I grabbed my baby carrier, grabbed my camera and snapped a few shots around our yard just before dusk. The colors, the smell and the rain on my skin made me feel very much alive and present in the moment. Marlowe seemed to like the little adventure (yes that's an adventure for a 2 month young!) and I got to practice my photography while holding her tight against me, my camera in one hand, the other one [hand] trying to protect it [the camera] from getting too wet. ​
Rain is life, don't avoid puddles,  jump in one and let your inner-child shine! 

The blessing of a land.
A seriously cool 1974 Airstream Sovereign sitting on a beautiful piece of land somewhere in the Pacific ocean.
Awesome peeps'n kids.
Keeping our dreams alive for the Universe to play its Magic.
And if I sound like a Hippy that's fine with me. 
#Thankful for inspiring people in our lives.
Be Happy. Today.

You had a due date. Because that's what doctors and midwives give you to start what may be the longest count down of our life. Your due date was March 9th 2016. It would have been a Wednesday, like your brother. It also happened to be your grand mother's date of birth, my own mom. This year will mark 20 years of her passing away and while having her birthday as your due date came as a total surprise with a mix feeling of "wow-that's-pretty-special" and "wow-that's-a-bit-intense" I was hoping you would pick your very own day to come, one that wouldn't be the 9th. 

A few weeks before your birth, we had decided to have a midwife assist us. Her name was Jan.
We talked over the phone on Sunday February 28th and I  told her I could feel my body getting ready for you. It was really just that one day. But the feeling was strong and I said I doubted you'd make it through another week-end. Her and I decided that you would be coming the following Friday because a very pregnant woman may dream she gets to pick the day and time she'll give birth to her babe.
I had my very first mild contractions on my way to pick up your brother from daycare on Monday the 29th and I knew chances were you would not be overdue. Came Tuesday and my OB appointment. I was 1cm loose...which I had no idea what it meant (the loose part). I called Jan and she said she wanted to come for a visit. She came on Friday the 4th in the morning. Nothing had changed, I was feeling pretty good and we talked for a while. She told me you were definitely down but still a little posterior. She was supposed to go to a neighbor island on my due date the following week and we were hoping you'd come before then but the truth was that it didn't look like anything was happening right at that moment and that we would have to wave our hopes for a Friday delivery good-bye.
And so we said good-bye.
Later that day Gurvan, Manech and I went on a beautiful walk on the beach. I looked like a fat white whale trying to walk on a sandy beach but I loved every minute of it - the three of us in the expectation of your arrival. I went for a swim, it felt pretty darn good, ran into a few friends all wishing me good luck for the [hopefully] soon-to-come-delivery.
We were invited for a diner at night in a house tucked away in the jungle. I had made a big salad and was looking forward to spending time with good friends. But at the very last minute, as we were getting ready to leave I told your papa that I was feeling pretty exhausted after that long walk and was going to stay home and watch a movie while him and your brother were out for diner. The truth is that I was happy having a quiet evening by myself. I went to bed around 10pm that night. I heard them come home around 11pm.

My first contraction kicked in at 11:30pm. The boys were sleeping, Manech's warm little body close to mine. I stayed in bed waiting to see if there would be more contractions to come. They came. One after the other and after a while I started timing them. 10 minutes apart, lasting a good 1 minute each time. I knew this was it. I was in labor.
Because it took 22 hours with your brother from the first contraction until his birth I decided not to get too excited too quick especially since it was night time and I didn't want to wake any one up too early. I thought to myself that I would wake your dad up around 6am if the contractions were still coming.
I loved that moment. Being the only one awake, the only one knowing what was about to happen, watching your papa and your brother sleep unaware of my contractions, everything being so quiet. I took advantage of the stillness of the night to focus on you and me, to feel my belly knowing I'd eventually miss your kicks and punches, wondering whether Manech would have a baby brother or a baby sister. I talked to you, told you we were going to do this together and  that we would be just fine.
After 3 hours of labor in  bed I made my way quietly to the bathroom. Seeing some bloodish mucous, I decided to text Jan, our midwife, at 2:53am to let her know. She told me I was probably thinning and opening and that it was all good. So I went on to take a long and hot shower. It felt so good. The contractions kept on coming, getting stronger but I was in control. I was in my zone. Welcoming every contraction, expecting the next one, letting the hot water run against my back, going from squatting position down to my knees and hands. I could hear my breath adjusting, sounds were coming out of my mouth, it was all extremely instinctive. 
Around 3:30am your papa needed to use the bathroom (read: had to take a pee) and found me in the shower. He asked if "it" was happening and I probably rolled my eyes at him. Actually no, I think I said "yes, this it it" with a smile. I was in a very happy space. I stayed in the shower for a good 45 minutes then texted Jan again who was getting ready to come to our house as soon as I'd tell her to make her way. 
That's pretty much when the contractions changed to every 2 minutes lasting 30seconds and I wasn't sure how far into my labor I was. I told her she should maybe start driving as it was a 30 minutes drive from her place to ours. She arrived around 4:30 am. The contractions were starting to become stronger and stronger. Your dad was helping by holding me as I rested my back against his chest when a new contraction would come (yes he managed to take a photo of it). It felt good. We were a team. Jan listened to your heart and it was one of the best sound in the world. She checked me to see where we were at and announced 3 to 4 cm. I could see her time my contractions and closely look at me. She soon told us that we should start thinking about making our way to the hospital, that she could see things happening rather fast. I waited some more then told your dad he should try to wake our landlords up (who happen to be friends) so that she could come and stay with your brother. The whole time we had managed to stay quiet even as the contractions were getting stronger so that Manech could sleep some more. Gurvan started gathering everything we wanted to take with us, I gave Jan the "birth plan" I had written a few days before, Michele (our landlord) arrived and started talking just a little too loud as she was sitting on the bed which woke your brother up. At that point the contractions were strong and came in one after the other one pretty fast. It was heartbreaking having to leave your brother who did not want to let go of my leg, screaming and crying. We had told him this could happen and while it was really hard to leave him behind, we did, promising his dad would be back very soon so that he could meet "the baby". I held him against me very strong, kissed him and  jumped in the car. The truth is that I was deep in the I'm-about-to-give-birth-zone and did not look back. I knew Manech would be fine and most important that he was safe. ​

We were excited as we were making our way to the hospital even though my thoughts kept navigating towards your brother as well. In a way I was glad he was awake when we left. He knew what was happening and I was able to tell him how much I loved him. Jan was following us in her own car. I went through quite a few contractions and did yell at your dad something that went like "do not effing slow down when the light is green..what the hell are you thinking? I have a baby coming down my vagina...!!". Yes, a lot of poesy.
​Made it to the ER entry since it was too early to go through the main entrance. I had a hard time stepping out of the car and had to be pushed around in a wheelchair. Of course the fun part was having to check-in even though I had pre-register. I did my best answering the secretary 's questions in between two contractions. We couldn't help but smile. Then went through the quiet emergency rooms where doctors and nurses waved at us with encouraging looks, through corridors and elevator,  more corridors and finally made it to the delivery room. 
I changed my clothes, jumped into the sexy hospital gown they provide and laid in bed for the nurse to look at me. She announced 5cm. It was 6:30am. Jan said it was great, "1 cm an hour, good job", while I thought to myself that it meant I probably was going to be in labor for another 5 hours minimum. I was still hoping for a drug-free delivery.
​Jan and I decided I’d go for a shower and try to walk around but I never made it out of the bed. Instead the contractions became very strong and all I could do was to hold on to the bed  while making all kind of scary slash painful faces for your dad to photograph for my posterity (I’d ask for it) (glad I did). Jan was an amazing coach while the nurse really didn't seem to care much about what was happening. It was the end of her shift and she was probably looking forward to going home, can I blame her? She did try to hook me to an IV in case I was going to need some fluids but couldn't find the veine and gave up pretty quick. I laughed. I guess my nerves were laughing. At that point things were becoming very intense. Each contractions were getting harder to handle. I'd squeeze the bed's rails looking for a comforting look from Jan and your papa as the pain was escalating thinking to myself I wasn't going to have the energy to keep on doing this for another 5 hours, little did I know what was happening inside. Jan kept on rubbing my back and my feet while I could hear your dad snap more photos.
We were left alone for a moment and this is when my water bag broke as a new contraction came. It took me a second to realize what it was and I did (very slightly hum hum) freak out when I felt the warm fluid get out of my body and all over my legs. Jan told the nurse my water had broke and I did my best to lift my body so that they could clean me up a little. From there it all happened very fast. It felt like I wasn't much in control anymore. My entire body started shaking. I looked at Jan and she told me I was probably in transition. She came by my side and looked right into my eyes telling me it was all good. This is when I knew everything was okay. She had assisted hundreds of women before me and gave me the extra strength and confidence to go through the next few contractions, helping me adjust my breathing.
7am had come and our nurse seemed busy giving the heads up to the new one, not really realizing things were moving rather fast on my side of the room. I mean she had checked me half an hour before and I was only 5cm..she probably thought that she would be home and sipping her coffee by the time you'd come into the world. Right.
I started feeling a lot of pressure down in my bottom (the kind that makes you want to scream the sexy "I want to poo!!!" luckily I did not. Poo. I promise my baby, I did not) but I knew it meant that you were making your way out. And soon after I became that woman screaming "I gotta push  N O W". The nurse looked at me and said in disbelief "control yourself"...I mean wtf was I supposed to control here? But Jan who knew I was indeed ready to push whispered to my ear that I knew better and should let my body do whatever it needed to do at this point. This is when the nurse decided to check me again and realized that you were about to make your grand arrival. She rushed out to find the doctor (whom I had not seen yet) and this is when the new nurse came in. Jessica. Such a happy friendly energetic woman. I felt instantly blessed and thankful to have her in my team. Especially when some unknown OB doctor walked in with the most grumpy face I had seen in a long time. Everyone looked at each other wondering what the heck was wrong with him. Turned out that no one could find my doc and they had to wake this one up. Well sorry Doc, but isn't this why you are spending the night at the hospital and getting paid..?! Anyways, everyone became very busy around me finally realizing that I really had to push. My doctor did walk in as I was trying to get on my back and truly, this seemed to be the hardest for me to do : get on my back and open my legs! I think everything had happened so fast in the last 45 minutes that my body had a very hard time responding to my brain's commands, lost in the roller coaster of emotions and pain. It took each and everyone's encouragement to get me to open up and let you out. Your papa cheering me up as much as he could. ​

Two or three pushes were enough for me to get you out and up against my chest. I was in disbelief. We, you and I, had made it through the whole nine month, through the most intense hour of labor, and here I was, holding 7lbs3ounces of unconditional love. You came out beautifully pink with a very rond head, screaming just like you should be. Being the one getting to look in between your legs to find out whether you were a girl or a boy was incredible. I remember looking at your dad, the words came out "it's a girl!". We had absolutely no preferences but deep in my heart, I knew you were a girl.
You breastfed soon after and your papa and I were in awe of your perfection. 20 inches of perfection.
Marlowe, my girl, you picked your date, you picked your day. You were born on a Saturday March 5th of 2016 at 7:32am, exactly an hour after we had arrived into the delivery room, on the beautiful island of Maui.