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What a ride.

10/22/2016

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Over the Summer, in July, Gurvan and I started talking about his former job as a captain on board tanker boats. I had fears that he might miss being at sea one day and having regrets is something that I find frightening. We never know where our decisions in life will lead us. We can be convinced to be on the right track one day and get the worst doubts the very next day. 
I talked here and there about our moves these past three years. 
Life has been somewhat chaotic for us for three years. But we decided that Maui was the place where we felt the happiest, the most connected with ourselves, and so came back here. Gurvan started a new carrier as an Arborist / tree-climber, got his certification and we finally seemed to be settling into some happy routine. 
But that night in July, we started talking about his life at sea. I asked him if he thought about it sometimes, if he had any regrets and for the first time he admitted that he’d sometimes have dreams about it and that yes, he missed it [a little]…The responsibilities, the boats, the ocean for only horizon. He also added that he loved being home every night with us. Of course he does. He also enjoyed his new job, being high up in trees, the boys he worked with. But I know my man and I could feel the shadows of regrets slowly making their way. Imperceptibly. 
We decided that he would investigate boat-related job opportunities for him here in Hawaii. And we went to bed. 
The very next morning, when I woke up a little after him, the first thing he told me [once I had my cup of tea in hands, meaning my brain slightly working again], was that he had received an email during the night. The message came from a french tanker company. They were offering him, out of the blue, a position as a captain. 
Remember “Thoughts become Things, choose the good ones” ? That was fast.
His first thought was no way, I am not going back on a tanker. My first thought was no way, you are not going away for three months. 
By the end of the day, he had investigated about the company and the unexpected offer. The company turned out to be one of the last small family-owned maritime company and they reached out to him after asking a few of their captains if they had any recommendations for a captain position opening and Gurvan’s name came out. WHAT!
How can we not suppose that the Universe works on our behalf? 
From that very morning, everything went pretty fast. A few weeks later he was in France for a series of trainings and interviews and just a little over three month later, he is about to board a tanker boat in the Bahamas. 
I won’t go into too much details here but the way it all happened still feels quite unreal. He would have said no to most job offers, he didn’t want to go back at sea for a big corporation and be just a number to the eyes of his boss. This company happens to know about sailing a boat and respects the work of their crews. 
We have absolutely no idea what tomorrow will be made of. Will three month away from his children be too hard for him? Will it be too hard for me and the kids? We couldn’t tell without trying and therefor we are extremely thankful for this opportunity to kick regrets in their face. The fact that he hadn’t send a single resume to a company for over two years yet got such a position handed to him? We couldn’t ignore it. And if it doesn’t work for us, then it’s okay, he can come back to his life in the trees. Regret-less which is price-less. 

Some people ask me : how about your own life? Ain’t you sacrificing your own desires? 
All I can say is that it all feels right to me right now. I get to stay home and care for our babies [I chose to be a mama after all]. I get to be a mom and soak up all these precious moments. People say parenting is a full-time job. And in many ways it is. It’s a 24/7 kind of job. One that many moms around the world wish they could accomplish without the worry of having to work on top of it. Some wouldn’t want to be home all week with their babies and that’s okay. It works for me. For now. I am exhausted. But I am happy, excited, challenged and I feel so alive and grateful. There will be days when I will beg my girlfriends for a beer and nights when I will fall asleep just a little after dusk with a baby in each arm. 
​

I love that we are not letting fears lead our lives. I love the idea of manifesting our desires and can’t wait to write more on this. It is fascinating to me. 

Today was day 2 on my own with 90-ish more to go. 
Just before falling asleep, Manech asked me "when will my papa come home?". This is the hardest. I didn't lie, told him we will have to be very patient, then he grabbed my hand and fell asleep. 

And to the people who ask if I don't get nervous about him navigating wild oceans...I will say : look at him in this tree. I married a man who can't see himself sitting at a desk. 

Life is such an intense ride. One I am blessed to share with a very strong and amazing man. 


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39/52

10/13/2016

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A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016

Manech : your Frenglish is quite hilarious at the moment. I want to write down all those sentences and words made up by your innocent three-year-old-self. I am amazed every day at all the vocabulary you pick up. You have started to tell me and Marlowe that you missed us if you don't see us for a little bit which melts my soft mama's heart. 

Marlowe : your eyes brighten at the sight of your brother. You laugh at him and laugh with him. You have changed so much lately, becoming so much more aware of everything that's happening around you. You want to be part of it all. You love standing on your feet and lift your butt up as high as you can. Today you reached your arms out to me which made me feel the most special and luckiest person in the world. 
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Dream on

10/8/2016

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Some places hold all the mystical magic.
Some places have the power to make the idea of a camping trip with a toddler and a baby in tow while hubby-less, appealing. 
I first stepped onto this magical land about fifteen years ago. While a lot of things have changed on the island since then, this place seems to be sitting still, holding on to its wild beauty, welcoming friends and family with the same warmth as it did fifteen years ago, distilling poesy into our lives.
Being thankful for a Man's vision is an understatement. 
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38/52

10/7/2016

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A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016

Manech : this may not be the best shot ever but I do want to remember this jumper. Sorry baby.

Marlowe : Food diversification [WHAT ALREADY??]. Not my favorite part of motherhood I'll admit. Don't you want to breastfeed for e v e r ? But we are working on it. You like pears and bananas. You love sucking on a carrot. Potatoes ain't your favorite. Poi (mashed taro) is so so and I'm not sure starting with the most sugary-delicious-pineapple was my best idea ...but then it was so good I had to share with you, right?
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37/52

9/29/2016

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A portrait of my children, once a week, every week in 2016

My dear Manech and Marlowe, now that it's just the three of us, on top of everything else that can been found in our car (talk about minimalism...dammit), I manage to squeeze in my tripod. I want to make sure I capture all of the adventures I intend to take you on. I want to remember this empowering feeling that came instead of the panic I was somewhat expecting when your papa left. I want to force myself to make it into the frame (hence our tripod companion) because it's us, me and you, everyday and night. And I know one day I will look back and wonder how on earth I managed to function with so little sleep. Hopefully by then you will be loving and caring for your old maman. You don't and won't owe me anything, ever, but breakfast in bed...10am...one day, maybe? And I'll get to pick the book we'll read? 
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36/52

9/24/2016

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A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016

Manech : It was late, we were about to say good-bye to your papa and having to let go of one another for weeks, maybe months, wasn't easy for anyone. We waved good-bye until we couldn't see him anymore. You didn't want to leave. I had to refrain my own tears. failed. We jumped in the car. You asked for papa's song "my dog has cystitis" , the one that makes him laugh, we started laughing and laughed all the way home. 

Marlowe : You had no idea, in the comfort of your sleep, that your papa was kissing you good-bye for more than just the night. I held you extra tight that night when you woke up. You gave me the extra cuddle I needed. 
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35/52

9/15/2016

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A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016

1 day before your papa left. We were soaking up every minutes we had together. Making more and more memories. You didn't know I was dreading the day to come, all innocents and beautiful that you are. 
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34/52

9/8/2016

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A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016 [faithfully catching up]

Manech, I don't know how many candles you got to blow over the span of a week but you did get the hang of it. I only wish I could light a "3" candle every year.
Birthday was late August but I am catching up here, people!

Marlowe, you don't know it yet but down the line there will be cookies and chocolate cakes and popsicles! Carrots aren't all that bad, trust me it's all very worth it.
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A video

9/6/2016

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North Atlantic, mystical, raw and beautiful. 

Mar from Andrew Kaineder on Vimeo.

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33/52

9/3/2016

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A portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2016

Manech : you pick up your sister's teething toy whenever she let go of it and bring it right back to her. You're the first hearing her whenever she wakes up from her nap and want to be the first by her side then. You run to get her a new diaper when I ask for it. I caught you getting a burp cloth to wipe her mouth because she needed it and I hadn't noticed yet. You hold her hand and whisper to her ear "it's okay Marlowe, it's okay" when she cries.
Manech my boy, you are such a caring, loving boy and I can't stop thinking how lucky she is to have you has a big bro. 

Marlowe : I want to bottle your sweetness. I didn't know what a cuddling baby was until you. My arms are your happy place and your little chubby body in my arms is all I need to feel happy. Our night affair is still going strong but I wouldn't have it any other way right now because I know the day will come when you will be running free, not needing all those cuddles so much anymore. I am soaking it all up and am thankful everyday that you chose me to be your mama. 
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    I was born French - read : sorry if my writing isn't perfect, yet! -but I do LOVE Peanut Butter and happen to live in beautiful  H A W A I I. W E L C O M E
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